Dark Night of My Soul is Ending
(Anonymous)
Although steeped in an ultra-conservative protestant religion from childhood at home, parochial school and church, in later life, thanks to The Urantia Book, I have become a “recovering fundamentalist.” Reared the son of a minister of music and education, I was saturated with church doctrines, creeds and rigid beliefs, such as six-day creation, original sin, judgment, punishment, hell, etc. Sadly, I learned debilitating fear, guilt and shame at an early age. The dominant emphasis was to believe, not think. Questioning was equated with doubt. However military service and earning university degrees through a doctorate exposed me to a variety of alternate views and concepts. Trained to think critically as a scientist, my reservations about those fundamentalist teachings increased. The clergy reacted by suggesting that “demonic” influence could be causing me to doubt and question their "truths" and that my faith was weak. The anti-intellectual stance of the church was stifling, and my disaffection escalated.
Despite my uneasiness with church teachings, service in congregations continued to provide a good role model for my children. Later elected to the board of directors of the church at the state level, I also served as a consultant for the church’s national college board. After serving for a time in these roles, the realization came that basic church teachings were no longer believable. Continuing the charade of being one of the "loyal opposition" became intolerable. So, I resigned from the state-level board and left the church. Angry, feeling misled and betrayed by the church, I rejected religion.
My plunge into a "dark night of the soul" began as I overreacted and dismissed everything spiritual. The result was agnostic doubt that bordered on atheism. My shame is that my mental state dipped so low as to question the authenticity of Jesus. Mental stress and chaos were aggravated by the end of a 20-year marriage against my will, and I became the single parent of teenagers. Losing the stability afforded by my spiritual and emotional anchors produced mental disorientation and dysfunctional behavior. Miraculously, despite my confusion, a desperate desire to find truth lingered.
The Urantia Book teaches that God knows, loves and supports each of us individually. For instance, my mind was opening as the shackles of dogmatic religious beliefs were thrown off. Searching for truth, I drifted through so-called "metaphysics" and New Age concepts. Fortunately I discovered meditation that revealed unknown facets of mind. In retrospect, I believe a sincere prayer for guidance was implicit in my yearning for truth. That prayer was answered unexpectedly, profoundly and in a life-changing manner.
One day divine love visited me. While meditating, asking for and visualizing healing for others, I felt a strange “force” seize my body. There was a sensation of floating up and away, presumably having an “out-of-body” experience. My uneasiness was calmed by a soft quiet voice that said, “Be still.” I waited. Soon a commanding voice announced, "I am the Lord your God, listen to my voice and I will show you a way to help many people." My mind state was total awe and reverence. After a pause the voice said, "Go." Waiting for more direction I listened. When none came, I asked within, "Go where?" But no answer came. Years later the answer did become clear.
After that experience I felt somewhat like the prodigal son who asked to his misdeeds forgiven and was welcomed back joyously by a forgiving Father. Indeed I too learned forgiveness, but there were more lessons in store for me to learn. The Urantia Book teaches: the “greatest affliction is never to have been afflicted; mortals only learn wisdom by experiencing tribulation.” The invaluable lessons for me to learn came through health challenges. The first event tested my trust in God while having heart triple coronary artery bypass surgery in my mid-40s.
About that time I mentioned to a friend my interest in healing prayer. She referred me to Meri Dawes, who told me about The Urantia Book, which extensively describes the life of the greatest healer, Jesus. Finding and examining a copy, it was immediately clear that the truth I had sought had been found. I read the Book voraciously, cover to cover, as one starved for spiritual food. For the next five years I studied The Book in a group guided by Meri’s skillful mentoring. I am and will be forever grateful to her. The light of truth in the Book began progressive illumination, dispelling the spiritual blight of my "dark night.”
The joyful truths of The Urantia Book are a striking contrast to the oppressive and fearful fundamentalist teachings about a wrathful and punishing God. Learning its truth is progressively changing me, a “recovering fundamentalist.” Later, “by chance" a group interested in the study of The Book started meeting in my home in the early in the 1980s, oddly because of my research on brain hemispheres and cognitive styles. Some group members invited me to speak to an adult Methodist Sunday School class on topics relating science and spirituality. Much of the content of those talks came directly from The Book. Over time, I have given hundreds of such talks in area churches, and invitations to speak continue to come.
In the late 1980s the last of my heart artery bypasses plugged causing a massive and near-fatal heart attack. Less than a third of heart function remained. Four years later congestive heart failure had progressed to the terminal stage. My only hope of survival then was a heart transplant. But I was comforted, because The Urantia Book tells that all who believe in the Father are guaranteed survival after death. Learning the lesson of trust enabled me to progress in discarding fear as the fraud and terrible fiction that it is.
While on an organ waiting list with just two weeks of life expected and hoping for a donated heart, I read and re-read Paper 47 The Mansion Worlds in The Urantia Book, for it was increasingly likely that I would be an occupant in a heavenly mansion in the very near future. Considering possible outcomes I reasoned: if I do receive a transplant, that’s a “win”; but if not, I will go on to the Mansion Worlds, and that’s a “win” too. Then came a flash of insight: I’m in a win-win situation! I cannot lose! I will continue to live, either here on Urantia or in the Mansion Worlds.
Given that knowledge, a profound sense of peace came over me, the “peace beyond human understanding” that remains with me today. I learned a lesson because the “truth had set me free” as The Urantia Book states. As it happened, after 44 days on the waiting list and with just 8% of heart function remaining, I received a heart transplant. Having faced imminent death, being snatched from the brink of death and awakening after surgery with a new heart is a stunning experience! I now wonder: will our experience be something like that when we awaken in the Mansion Worlds after mortal death?
In this 15th year after transplant all goes exceedingly well. There are many reasons why I must surely be one of the most blessed persons on Urantia. I am deeply grateful to God and humbled by all the love given me. The Urantia Book taught me the significance of Jesus’ example, his commitment to “do my Father’s will.” So not long after transplant, while talking with the Heavenly Father one day in meditation, in gratitude I pledged, “You gave me more time to live, but it really is your time, I will go anywhere and do anything you wish." I was learning the lesson of commitment. Following that sincere pledge, an amazing series of events began and continued more than a decade.
Briefly, a succession of invitations came to serve on boards of directors of health-related organizations at local, regional and national levels. For example, invitations involved volunteer service as: a trustee of a hospital that eventually enabled me to start a new heart surgery center while serving as Chair, a director on the board of the network that oversees all organ transplants in the nation, and a director on the board of an organ donation center that serves about 180 hospitals in Texas. I was learning the lesson that these prospects were my opportunities in real life to do the Father’s will.
Being a research professor, multiple invitations came to participate in organ transplant-related research efforts. The results of these studies have saved the lives of several thousand patients by this date and have been published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, New England Journal of Medicine, Federal Register, Transplantation Journal and other publications. Also, a new Texas law concerning organ donation, based on our research, has been enacted.
But God had more for me to “Go” do. Later, after being asked to serve as the Dean of the Business School at the University, I meditated on the invitation in prayer, since I was reluctant to serve as a dean yet another time. However, I was to learn the lesson of loyalty to God. Due to my promise to “do anything,” I accepted. Serving in that role provided the occasions to raise several million dollars in donations for the School and also to design and implement an innovative master’s degree program in Healthcare Administration that has benefited hundreds of professionals seeking to advance their careers.
The Urantia Book reveals Jesus taught that the will of God can be done in any honorable occupation. In retrospect, my belief is that the instances mentioned above were opportunities to do my Father’s will. The Book also tells of the power of a “spiritual fulcrum" that multiplies the effects of human efforts many times over, when intended to do God’s will. “The act is ours, the consequences God’s.” The fact that our research results saved thousands of lives, I believe, is evidence of the action of that spiritual lever. We had "partnered with God," as described in The Book. Such partnering happened because our sole intent was to save lives, to serve patients’ needs, not ourselves. The Urantia Book teaches that all selfless service is love, for it is “doing the Father’s will.”
The Urantia Book reveals that a spirit fragment, "the divine voice," is in everyone’s mind. The riveting message, "listen to my voice," heard in meditation years before may have come through the spiritual fragment of the Father in my mind. But direct messages from that spirit are rare, often not audible and can come in a variety of ways. For example, one message that came to me was an invitation, another was an intuitive insight and in another case it was the recognition of a fortuitous opportunity.
Without being aware, I was learning the lesson of duty by responding to the urging to “Go,” to act on each opportunity. True spiritual faith involves action, Jesus taught. Thus, “Go” meant assertive action, dedication, focus, time and effort, use of skills, teamwork, etc. I want believe the admonition "Go" is being heeded. Now retired, my time is spent drafting a book manuscript entitled, "The Only Game in Town," which implies: the only rational choice we have is: do our Father's will here, now and in eternity. All else is illusion, deviance and ultimate nonexistence.
Finally, I am profoundly grateful for being guided to The Urantia Book. Having studied The Book for almost 30 years, my life has been changed radically. My “dark night is ending,” but it will not end until my mind been transformed completely by the spirit of God. In the interim, teachings in The Urantia Book about God’s love, faith, service and peace are releasing me from persistent vestiges of guilt, wrath and fear learned long ago.
This is my story, one of thousands that can be told. I hope The Urantia Book gives you knowledge, trust and peace. I believe The Book can change you too, as it is reforming me. Peace ever be with you.
