Monday, November 10, 2003
Mind Your Manners
Was it all a dream? Or is it possible, in the aftermath of Sept. 11, 2001, that there was a period when America really was a kinder and gentler nation?
Manner minders
America's recent regression into uncouth behavior has not escaped the notice of those who stand guard to preserve what's left of our sense of propriety, and among them is Peter Post, great-grandson of the grand dame of etiquette, Emily Post, and author of a new book, "Essential Manners for Men."
"The grace period has definitely dissolved," he says, "but it did exist. Any time there's a crisis like 9/11, there's a willingness to forgive things we didn't forgive before. People come together for greater good and think about the other person, which is what etiquette is, thinking about the other person."
Indications that America has a problem with manners was clear in a 2002 study called "Aggravating Circumstances: A Status Report on Rudeness in America," which was funded by the Pew Charitable Trusts and conducted by the New York-based Public Agenda. The national survey of 2,013 adults found that 79 percent believed lack of courtesy was a serious problem in the United States, and 61 percent said rude behavior was on the rise.
None of the findings was flattering.
Forty-four percent said they hear people using crude or rude language in public, although only 36 percent admitted to swearing themselves (45 percent of men and 26 percent of women).
Behavior behind the wheel was worse. Fifty-eight percent said they often saw drivers who were reckless or aggressive, although no more than 35 percent admitted themselves to driving that way. In the workplace, four in 10 said they encounter colleagues who are rude and disrespectful, and 31 percent said their supervisors were uncouth.
Regarding behavior after 9/11, three out of four believed Americans were more courteous, but 66 percent predicted it wouldn't last, and apparently they were right.
"After the tragedy, people were more sensitive," says Rosanne J. Thomas, the founder of Boston's Protocol Advisors, who teaches etiquette. "People were able to put into perspective what was really important and what wasn't. Does it really matter if someone at the supermarket is in the wrong checkout line? For a while, people talked about the importance of being good to each other, but now I don't hear it as much.
"Is good behavior in decline? Well, polls and surveys tell us it is. I don't know if it's any worse than it's ever been, but a lot of people believe it's worse than they can remember."
Rudeness has become prevalent enough in America to justify a website, www.etiquettehell.com, where hundreds of examples of bad behavior are categorized under weddings, baby showers, funerals, etc.
Once upon a time in America, however, based on a review of etiquette books a century ago, decorum was admired, and if good manners did not guarantee wisdom, bad manners surely were a sign of vulgarity.
As John H. Young, wrote in "Deportment" in 1882: "No one subject is of more importance to people than a knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society. To acquire a thorough knowledge of these matters and to put that knowledge into practice with perfect ease and self-complacency is what people call good breeding. To display an ignorance of them is to subject the offender to the opprobrium of being ill-bred."
So, what happened? When did rudeness become the rage?
"We can almost pinpoint the decline of manners and etiquette to the 1960s," says Thomas. "Prior to that, families ate together at the dinner table. Manners were reinforced all the time -- conversation, listening skills, dining skills, basic considerations, and even electronic manners in that you didn't take telephone calls during the meal. But then people began not to eat together as much, and that's when the basics were no longer taught.
"One problem these days," she says, "is that, unfortunately, there's a lapse in etiquette when people make too great a deal over things that are inadvertent, offenses that they perceive as being intentional but really are inadvertent oversights. In etiquette, we want to overlook as much as we can. Not everything, of course, but we try to give other people the benefit of the doubt."
Never too late
At a time when boys and girls enter school through metal detectors to ensure they're not armed with guns and knives, when teenage girls wear T-shirts describing sex acts in language common at Marine Corps boot camp, is Thomas whistling past the graveyard of dead manners in teaching the subtleties of the sorbet course, the importance of the notch that differentiates the fish fork, and the nuances of whether the finger bowl is moved left or right and with or without the doily?
"No," she says firmly. "In learning etiquette, it's never too late, never too soon.
"Children's first etiquette classes should be in the home, and children should be reminded, in a nice way, all the time. Parents need to model good behavior, reinforce good behavior, and then reward good behavior. I sense that young children want to know and want to do the right thing, and it gives them confidence."
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