Spiritual Advice and Guidance Blog: Urantia Book

Q: My father was a violent, abusive man, in every way possible and imaginable. He is 81 now, and while not physically violent anymore (although the threat is always there), he is still horribly verbally abusive. Not all the time, just most of the time. The damage done to me in childhood has been a central theme of my entire adult life. I have been in and out of therapy to try and sort it all out. I am just plain tired of giving so much of my energy to this man. I am not even angry anymore. I just want to move on. There are still things that therapy can and will help with, but it's not addressing the spiritual aspects.

I am truly torn about forgiving him. I have tried and even succeeded about some of the lesser evils, but it's not enough. But the big stuff is much harder. I love him, and I want to hurt him too; I want him to feel as badly as I do for what he did to me. I used to want to make peace between us, but it just isn't possible as he refuses to accept any responsibility. He claims nothing ever happened. So whatever peace is made will be one-sided, but that's what I want most anyway -- I want to find a way to put this to rest in my own heart and get on with my life before it's all used up.

The bible preaches forgiveness, I know that. And I know that it's for my own peace. But I just cannot let it go no matter how hard I try. Maybe I don't know how.
What does the UB have to say about such things?

A: The Urantia Book does have a lot to say about forgiveness but most of it relates to us asking for God's forgiveness. Here are 4 quotes though that come closest to addressing the problem you've described. The first quote, although talking about sin in a more cosmic sense, does present the attitude of the sinner which parallels what you've said about your father.

And when sin has so many times been chosen and so often been repeated, it may become habitual. Habitual sinners can easily become iniquitous, become wholehearted rebels against the universe and all of its divine realities. While all manner of sins may be forgiven, we doubt whether the established iniquiter would ever sincerely experience sorrow for his misdeeds or accept forgiveness for his sins. (67:1.6)
The second quote indicates that the idea of confession and forgiveness germinated in primitive religious concepts and rituals. If you're looking for something akin to "closure" you're bound to be disappointed -- there is no such condition. In true forgiveness, you give up the attachment, that link you've formed with the one you're forgiving such that it no longer exerts control over your thoughts and emotions even though the wrong remains real.

The idea of confession and forgiveness early appeared in primitive religion. Men would ask forgiveness at a public meeting for sins they intended to commit the following week. Confession was merely a rite of remission, also a public notification of defilement, a ritual of crying "unclean, unclean!" Then followed all the ritualistic schemes of purification. All ancient peoples practiced these meaningless ceremonies. Many apparently hygienic customs of the early tribes were largely ceremonial. (89:2.5)

The next quote indicates that in God's eyes your father is as worthy of love as you are. In the last sentence it suggests that your prayer may be most effective if it focuses on your own self-control.

In all your praying be fair; do not expect God to show partiality, to love you more than his other children, your friends, neighbors, even enemies. But the prayer of the natural or evolved religions is not at first ethical, as it is in the later revealed religions. All praying, whether individual or communal, may be either egoistic or altruistic. That is, the prayer may be centered upon the self or upon others. When the prayer seeks nothing for the one who prays nor anything for his fellows, then such attitudes of the soul tend to the levels of true worship. Egoistic prayers involve confessions and petitions and often consist in requests for material favors. Prayer is somewhat more ethical when it deals with forgiveness and seeks wisdom for enhanced self-control. (92:4.3)

This last quote is a partial synopsis of the core values of Jesus' teachings. It suggests that if you could love your father as Jesus loved, the forgiveness you seek would dispel the influence the sins of your father exert upon you and you would in effect be rehabilitated. Jesus is our model; we should seek to be more like him.

The cross forever shows that the attitude of Jesus toward sinners was neither condemnation nor condonation, but rather eternal and loving salvation. Jesus is truly a savior in the sense that his life and death do win men over to goodness and righteous survival. Jesus loves men so much that his love awakens the response of love in the human heart. Love is truly contagious and eternally creative. Jesus' death on the cross exemplifies a love which is sufficiently strong and divine to forgive sin and swallow up all evil-doing. Jesus disclosed to this world a higher quality of righteousness than justice--mere technical right and wrong. Divine love does not merely forgive wrongs; it absorbs and actually destroys them. The forgiveness of love utterly transcends the forgiveness of mercy. Mercy sets the guilt of evil-doing to one side; but love destroys forever the sin and all weakness resulting therefrom. Jesus brought a new method of living to Urantia. He taught us not to resist evil but to find through him a goodness which effectually destroys evil. The forgiveness of Jesus is not condonation; it is salvation from condemnation. Salvation does not slight wrongs; it makes them right. True love does not compromise nor condone hate; it destroys it. The love of Jesus is never satisfied with mere forgiveness. The Master's love implies rehabilitation, eternal survival. It is altogether proper to speak of salvation as redemption if you mean this eternal rehabilitation. (188:5.2)

The citations at the end of the quotes will take you to the context of the quote.
A full and thorough examination of the life and teachings of Jesus can and does provide the best therapy for the heart, mind, and soul that we can experience here on earth. You can love your father, but you may not like him. You may forgive him but that does not absolve him of the pain he's caused you except that now your mind will no longer be compelled to dwell upon it.

Thank you for your question and may God bless you.

Larry Watkins
Truthbook.com

Labels: abuse, forgiveness, Jesus, love, prayer, The Urantia Book, violence

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Surviving childhood abuse

Q: I am looking for information on how to deal with surviving childhood abuse

A: On a personal level, the only suggestion I can offer is that you simply learn to deal with it â€“ the likelihood that anyone lives a full life and departs without having been afflicted in some manner is about zero so we all are faced with two choices in how to deal with our predicaments: either to ruminate on them or to get over them. In the end it's all up to you; no one can do much more than offer advice.

From Urantia Book teachings there are several quotes that may help you get a different perspective and they are:

5. Difficulties may challenge mediocrity and defeat the fearful, but they only stimulate the true children of the Most Highs.
8. Effort does not always produce joy, but there is no happiness without intelligent effort.
12. The greatest affliction of the cosmos is never to have been afflicted. Mortals only learn wisdom by experiencing tribulation.
16. You cannot perceive spiritual truth until you feelingly experience it, and many truths are not really felt except in adversity.
18. Impatience is a spirit poison; anger is like a stone hurled into a hornet's nest.
22. The evolving soul is not made divine by what it does, but by what it strives to do.

The Urantia Book has this to say about Jesus as a child:

Perhaps his most unusual and outstanding trait was his unwillingness to fight for his rights. Since he was such a well developed lad for his age, it seemed strange to his playfellows that he was disinclined to defend himself even from injustice or when subjected to personal abuse.

Jesus said:

Throughout the vicissitudes of life, remember always to love one another. Do not strive with men, even with unbelievers. Show mercy even to those who despitefully abuse you. Show yourselves to be loyal citizens, upright artisans, praiseworthy neighbors, devoted kinsmen, understanding parents, and sincere believers in the brotherhood of the Father's kingdom. And my spirit shall be upon you, now and even to the end of the world.

One final quote:

The uncertainties of life and the vicissitudes of existence do not in any manner contradict the concept of the universal sovereignty of God. All evolutionary creature life is beset by certain inevitabilities. Consider the following:

1. Is courage â€“ strength of character â€“ desirable? Then must man be reared in an environment which necessitates grappling with hardships and reacting to disappointments.
2. Is altruism â€“ service of one's fellows â€“ desirable? Then must life experience provide for encountering situations of social inequality.
3. Is hope â€“ the grandeur of trust â€“ desirable? Then human existence must constantly be confronted with insecurities and recurrent uncertainties.
4. Is faith â€“ the supreme assertion of human thought â€“ desirable? Then must the mind of man find itself in that troublesome predicament where it ever knows less than it can believe.
5. Is the love of truth and the willingness to go wherever it leads, desirable? Then must man grow up in a world where error is present and falsehood always possible.
6. Is idealism â€“ the approaching concept of the divine â€“ desirable? Then must man struggle in an environment of relative goodness and beauty, surroundings stimulative of the irrepressible reach for better things.
9. Is pleasure â€“ the satisfaction of happiness â€“ desirable? Then must man live in a world where the alternative of pain and the likelihood of suffering are ever present experiential possibilities.

Labels: abuse, adversity, affliction, childhood, Jesus, love, The Urantia Book